MiSsMyNx

Many at times, I have openly communicated my thoughts and feelings with no holds barred, adopting a dual mission as my personalities entrailed, one that nurtured my conviction for working on something that inevitably will contribute to the greater good, the other to allow love to find me and let grow, marry the man of my dreams, have a few kids and be disgustingly happy for the rest of our lives.
That was before I decided I have a life to live before all that happens. Do people regard marriage as a means to an end? Why do so many married couples slip into the mundane monotone of domestic partnership, when there’s so much more to life than that? Why do some people leave it till they are 30-ish, established in their career and emotionally capable of handling marriage? Whilst some rush into it at the first sign of a potential lover? I’ve been accused of possessing an insatiable lust for life that is almost criminal; my innate need to be happy being fluctuational. Some say, they’d rather be consistently satisfied.
Appallingly, the world as it is today both excites and wears me down. I’ve long forgotten what it’s like to sit down for coffee and openly discuss a topic (e.g., relationship) with someone without the fear of letting on too much that might damage me in return. Has it been a maturing process?
Despite my best efforts of trying to be original without being sorry, I’ve grown to be, not smarter nor more intelligent, but definitely more streetwise.
 It’s so strange as I remember many years ago, what it would be like to sit on this throne, the stamp "I’m living my dreams now"? Even more strange is how you seem to reach that stage now and you’re immediately onto the next thing, what would it be like five years from now? As the man I date seem to be getting older, I realize that the older you get, the harder it is to meet someone without excess baggage. Having survived a toxic relationship from a man who is constantly lying and living in denial, I’m surprised that I can still find that genuine person, who loves me deeply, and being truthful in every way.

Being in such a hard impasse for the past 1.5 days was exhausting, not only to my brain, but physically and emotionally. I had always asked my self, why is life so complicated? Are “we” the one who complicate things when it can be simplified? Why do we make our brain think so much, when ignorance is bliss?
I have been going through a silent retreat, not just temporary but daily. When you are by yourself, when you speak and the walls speak back at you, you think of things that you have never really thought about when you are amongst people, things that really matter to you. I did a lot of thinking and I am in the end of the soul searching- well, at least for now.

It’s been the longest winter without you
I didnt know where to turn to
See somehow I cant forget you
After all that we’ve been through

go in, come in
thought i heard a knock
who’s there? no one
thinking that i deserved it
now i realize that i really didnt know
you didnt notice, you mean everything
quickly im learning, to love again
all i know is, imma be ok

thought i couldnt live without you
its gonna hurt when it heals to
it’ll all get better in time
eventhough i really love you
im gonna smile cause i deserve to
it’ll all get better in time

how could i turn on the tv
without something there to remind me
was it all that easy
to just put aside your feelings

if im dreaming
dont wanna let, hurt my feelings

but thats the path, i believe in
and i know that, time will heal it
you didnt notice, you mean everything
quickly im learning, to love again
all i know is, imma be ok

thought i couldnt live without you
its gonna hurt when it heals to
it’ll all get better in time
eventhough i really love you
im gonna smile cause i deserve to
it’ll all get better in time

since theres no more you and me
its time i let you go so i can be free
and live my life how it should be
no matter how hard it is ill be fine without you
yes i will

thought i couldnt live without you
its gonna hurt when it heals to
it’ll all get better in time
eventhough i really love you
im gonna smile cause i deserve to
it’ll all get better in time

I have been going through my old blog, some old entries, some old thoughts, some old pictures, some old memories. Boy, i did came a long way, life is indeed a theater of production. I remembered that last fractions of my life that hurt me the most (Australia is still beautiful), now it no longer does. And i’m looking forward to an unforseeable future.

A note to remind myself….what I have become today. I have learned………

I have learned that I don’t need another person to make me happy.

I have learned that I can be my own best friend.

I have learned that it is still nice to have someone to share things with even if it is just a friend on the other end of the phone.

I have learned that loving someone does not mean that you have to live your life for them.

I have learned that you have no control over who you love, you can’t decide to fall in love with someone and you can’t decide to fall out of love with them either.  The heart has a mind of its own. 

I have learned that love doesn’t always mean romance.

I have learned that I like doing things just for me.

I have also learned that I like doing things for other people when I can.

I have learned that to heal, you must first grieve and to grieve you must first face the loss.

I have learned that you don’t need someone’s permission to love them.  Love is a wonderful thing, if they do not share it, it is their loss.  It is always better if they do, but you have no control over their feelings, nor do you have control over your own.

I have learned to be myself and I like doing things that make ME happy.

I have learned to be with my family and friends and to know that they are there if I need them.

I have learned that being alone, does not mean being lonely.

And above all I have learned that to be happy with another person, you have to be happy with yourself first.

It is better to have loved and lost than to live with the psycho the rest of your life. Go figure.

I love you because it’s effortless. Because all I have to do is be myself. I would not have to try to be someone other than myself nor try to pretend because you make me proud of who I am.
I love you because there is nothing else I desire or am capable of doing as beautifully, flawlessly and justly as loving you. I love you because it ’s unexpected, a completely natural act which I see as something more of a blessing.
I love you because you are worth it. I love you because it’s right. I wish I could give you reasons more concrete than actions I could provide, but any proof that I can give you would still not be enough to encompass what I truly feel for you. I could give you an endless list of reasons and yet still be unable to show you what I truly want you to see.
I love you more and more each day. Whatever challenges I am faced with, call it whatever you may, do not change a single bit of how much my heart feels for you.

I love you Baby.

When Love met Madness A long time ago, before the world was created and humans set foot on it for the first time, virtues and vices wandered bored, not knowing what to do. One day, they were all gathered and bored more than even when Ingenious had an idea: "Why don’t we play hide and seek?" And all of them liked the idea, and immediately the mad Madness shouted: "I want to count, I want to count". And since no one else was crazy to seek for Madness, Madness leaned on a tree and started to count, 1, 2, 3. And as Madness counted, the vices and virtues went hiding. Tenderness hung on the horn of the moon; Treason in a pile of garbage; Fondness curled up between the clouds; Lie said he would hide under a stone but he lied and hid at the bottom of the lake; Passion went to the center of the earth; Avarice entered a sack that he ended up breaking…. And Madness continued to count, 79,80, 81,82. All the vices and virtues were already hidden by then, except for Love, whom as undecided as he is, did not know where to hide. And this should not surprise us because we all>know how difficult it is to hide Love.
And Madness was already at 95, 96,97. And just at the moment when she arrived at hundred, Love jumped into a rosebush and there he hid out. And Madness shouted "I’m coming! I’m coming!" and as she turned, the first one she saw was Laziness, thrown to her feet because he didn’t have any energy to hide.
Then she saw Tenderness in the horn of the Moon,and Lie at the
bottom of the lake, and Passion in the center of the earth… Discovering them one by one, finding all of them but one. Madness was getting desperate, unable to find the last missing one, until Envy, envious for not having been discovered, whispered to Madness: "You are lacking Love, and he is hiding in the rosebush."
And Madness took a wooden pitchfork, and stabbed at the rosebush, and stabbed and stabbed, till a heartbreaking shout made her stop.
And, after the shout, Love came out covering his face with his
hands, and from between his fingers run two threads of blood, out of his eyes.
Madness anxious to find Love had taken out Love’s eyes with the pitchfork. "What have I done?, what have I done? - she shouted. I have left you blind! How can I repair it?" And Love answered, you can’t restore my eyes. But if you want to do something for me, you could be my guide.

From that day on, Love is blind and is always accompanied by
Madness.

So today I remembered that last Saturday, I met his parents. When Hunnie told me his mom invited me for dinner, I freaked out. I know it’s important to him, he really wanted his family to get to know me. And the truth is, I would really want to meet them too. But anyone that knows me, knows that I am not part the itty, bitty titty, committee. I guess it is post traumatic stress was because one of the boyfriends I had been was momma’s boys (avoid these if you can). She is a very nice lady, but she got too involved in our relationship. There is a clear difference between someone who loves their mom, wants to spend time with her and spoil her and someone who allows his mother rule his life, combs his hair for him, and tucks him in at 21 years old. Needless to say I ran away from that relationship.Of coz, his mom wasnt the only reason why. With Brent, there weren’t any pressures. His parents knew I’m Asian, and Aussies are pretty cool about these things. I could be just one of his friends. Because there were cultural differences, I wasn’t afraid of getting ‘complaints’. With the other ex-boyfriend, I never intended to meet his parents. I avoided it at all cost. I knw it wouldn’t last, why put in more stress? Right.

So, the story was, on Friday itself I ‘m already freaking out about Saturday. I asked a few colleagues of mine the same question “Will they hate me”. Their replied always come with a laugh. And they said “why would anyone hate you? No one hate you Steph. You are one of the most likeable people I know.” Pheww….. I really hope so. Chill. They said. Yes, I know the weekend is supposed to be the time to unwind, but Saturday night I will be faced with one of the more stress-inducing situations a woman can go through: dinner with the boyfriend’s parents. It’s the first time meeting them, and I’m usually okay with parents (my sparkling personality wins them over every time). *wink* Well, I certainly did survived the first meeting. It wasn’t scary. In fact, they are really nice. His dad has the fierce look, but I think he’s kinda cool. His mom, such a sweet woman who is so warm and caring. Funny too. His brother and sis in law are nice. And not forgetting his nephew, mischievous little boy. He kept me entertained with some Mr Bombastic dance.

Guessed, the front door is open now. I’m looking forward to meet them next time

Qi Zhi, he has that mischievous look. doesnt he?

Love YOU!